I’ve been lucky. Sure, I once had a boyfriend who would hit me on the head with his penis – but the only real sex damage I’ve incurred has been to my wallet.
I’m joking. I do not pay for sex. Well, not monetarily.
But you lot? Oh boy, the pain sex has caused you; the injuries bad, bad, naughty sex has brought to your frail little frames; and the sheer f***ing ‘Oh for f***’s sake!’ agony that dreadful sex has cursed on you.
You think love hurts? Try making the sweet love, mate.
Please read on – and then promise me you’ll never make the beast with two backs again. I’m worried about your health.
Take Amy, 35, from Witham, for instance. This poor gal has a crushing tale to share.
I had sex on a pile of mattresses. It got a bit active and we fell off. Knackered my back. Cost a fortune at the osteopath’s. And I recall there was a weird attempt to strangle me just before we fell off. Didn’t see him again.
Well I’m sure we’re all choked now. And maybe a little cut up.
Mark, 29, from Leeds, certainly is.
My girlfriend was on top of me, bouncing up and down. She really got into the sex and was throwing herself around.
She somehow leaned right over as I lifted my head up to kiss her neck and her tooth went into my scalp. She cut my scalp! Had a trickle of blood dripping into my eye.
But I still let her come before I cleaned myself up.
What a gent. Plus, we love a man who can handle blood. Not all of them can.
Cue Big Dave, 40, from Dubai.
Sex injuries? Apart from snapping my banjo string mid-shag and freaking out, no…
I was about 23, started seeing this girl, and had a little nick in my banjo string. It was a bit sore but this was a new girlfriend, so what can you do?
We went to my parents’ house as they were away. My sister was in but she went upstairs. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex.
Once done, I noticed there was a lot of blood. I asked if it was her – but then realised it was coming from me.
So, like a penguin, I waddled as fast as I could to the downstairs shower and jumped in. Blood everywhere.
The next day I went to see my doctor, who gave me some cream and said I couldn’t touch it – no sex, no w***ing, for six weeks!
Was the longest six weeks ever. But, funnily enough, whenever I drunkenly speak to people about it, it’s more common than you think.
She was OK. We thought she had come on.
But then, as I stood back, jeans around my ankles, and saw blood still coming, I freaked out. The daft thing was we had sex again an hour later. And it started again. What an idiot. But I was young and horny!
Youth makes fools of us all.
Tabitha, 39, from Norwich, put the wotsits up me with this story.
I think I was 20? And I ended up in A&E after I’d forgotten to take my tampon out and my boyfriend – or, rather, sex with my boyfriend – pushed the thing deep inside me.
After sex I remembered I hadn’t taken it out. I got so paranoid and scared my boyfriend drove me to the hospital. The doctor had to fish it out. Not embarrassing at all.
Deep does seem to be a recurring sex injury theme. James, 38, from Harrow, says:
I had a friend who came in with a bandaged wrist one time and I joked ‘Sex injury?’ and she said ‘Yes. Fisting.’
Oh. Got that Bee Gee’s song in my head now.
Ah, another ‘friend’ story from ‘Bartholomew’, 43, Ashby-de-la-Zouch:
My ‘friend’ got a sensitive part of his anatomy caught in his GF’s puzzle ring – while they were indulging in a little hand-to-gland combat.
‘Apparently’ it was extremely painful and took about 10 minutes to extricate.
There’s a ‘ring my bell’ gag there. But I’m damned if I’m searching for it.
So there you have it. A quite beautiful, moving, celebration of glorious love-making, there.
Further proof that sex is disgusting.
Bibi hates sex. She writes about this and other dislikes at www.bibilynch.com.