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Christmas Smut Plug: Comedians reveal their filthiest Christmas tales

Christmas Smut Plug: Comedians reveal their filthiest Christmas tales
Ho ho no (Picture: Liberty Antonia Sadler for Metro.co.uk)

Here’s your guide to shows in London by people who have definitely done a lot worse than kissing Santa Claus.

The premise is simple: comedians and cabarets artistes from throughout London have been busy telling me their smuttiest stories, and I write them up for you – the general public – to perv over.

Just a list of all the weirdest injuries I?ve sustained during sex (Miranda Kane)The weirdest injuries an ex sex worker has sustained during sex

In return, I will give details of all their upcoming shows so you can go and enjoy them in person.

They gimme their smut, I give ‘em a plug.

Simples.

Plus it sounds like butt plug. I seem to have to explain that a lot.

On that note, let’s crack on.

Giving head? (Cameryn Moore)

Side profile of a woman sitting in a train with a laptop on her lap
Oh hey there (Picture: Getty)

My summer fling and I didn’t want to do long-distance, but we also didn’t want to let such promising chemistry drop, so we scheduled a tryst in a cheap hotel the following Christmas.

I suggested extending the romance by meeting on the train two stops before our destination.

Hoping for cuddles and maybe a stealth handjob under a jacket, I thought we would get two unassigned seats together.

Ha. I was lucky to get one of those fold-down seats in a vestibule, but I was almost crying from frustration when I texted my paramour to tell him what part of the train I was on.

When the train got to his station, he made his way through the crowded vestibule to stand silently next to me.

I gritted my teeth and leaned against him; it wasn’t what I imagined we would do on the train, but I perked up when I felt his hard-on through the jeans, exactly where I was leaning.

His hip-length jacket hid me from the rest of the passengers as I experimented with different pressures and movements.

Later he told me he almost came three times, as I rubbed my head like a kitten up against his crotch for the whole 35-minute ride.

You can find Cameryn telling more smutty stories at her Smut Slam events, Visit camerynmoore.com

He’s making a list, and checking it twice… (Miranda Kane)

‘Are you discreet?’

As a sex worker, that’s one of the most hated question a client can ask me.

What is he expecting? A giant neon sign above my flat that tells all the neighbours what I do?

I hold it back and put on my most professional voice, because it’s Christmas and even money from a bellend like this will come in handy.

‘Absolutely, I work from a very average suburban flat. No one will have any idea of what we’re getting up to in here.’

He goes on to tell me how he’ll need to go straight to work, and he’d like a shower and to be able to get changed.

Not a problem.

He then has a list of demands, and by now I’m thinking about hanging up the phone as I’m already bored and slightly peeved.

But it turns out he wants a BDSM session, with plenty of anal play.

metro illustrations
(Picture: Liberty Antonia Sadler for Metro.co.uk)

He wants me to stretch his arse using toys until he can take a massive 12-inch dildo and cane him until his bum is left red-raw and bruised.

Fortunately, he’s riled me up so much that the sadist in me is more than happy to oblige.

When he arrives, he’s a little older and a bit tubbier than I expected, which isn’t a problem.

He’s very obliging throughout the session, and his beard tickles all the right places. But before he can turn me into a true believer, I make sure to turn him over and begin his wishlist.

Although I wasn’t sure if he could take the largest of my dildos, it turns out he could actually fit quite a lot into such a small hole.

But the spanking was the real joy – watching his arse wobble was very pleasing. I whipped him up a treat, and watched it go from pink to red before leaving it bruised just as he wanted.

More: Sex

You could even say it glowed.

Afterwards, he went for a shower, and began to get changed as I left the room to freshen up.

When I came back, he was dressed head to toe as Santa.

It turned out he was working at a local shopping centre, and had a shift that afternoon.

As he walked out the door, I almost screamed ‘Try to be discreet’ at him, but knew it would be fruitless.

I was so annoyed that he knew he’d be leaving dressed like that, but then I realised he was going to have to spend hours sat on his bruised arse, whilst screaming kids bounced on his knee, and thought that would be revenge enough.

Turns out there are advantages to being a very naughty girl.

It’s me! You can find some of my upcoming events at www.mirandakane.co.uk and www.club-indulge.co.uk.

DJ BJ (Wayne Carter)

This year at Edinburgh Fringe, after my successful cabaret showcase Gays***, I ran a club night called Homodisco.

While I was on stage DJ-ing, I had an audience member motion to me that he was willing to give me a blowjob.

I was more than happy to accommodate this gentleman.

So I left my drag queen on stage to DJ for me while I went up to the balcony to entertain my guest.

He and I shared the jobs as I’m all about equality.

We finished and I went back down to continue the evening.

I was greeted by my drag queen who asked if I had enjoyed myself, to which I replied with ‘of course’.

She then proceed to point at my hair and whisper ‘I can tell because you have jizz in your wig’.

The fabulous Wayne Carter hosts Gays***. Visit his Facebook page for dates and details.

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Original Article

The post Christmas Smut Plug: Comedians reveal their filthiest Christmas tales appeared first on News Wire Now.

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