It started with a simple enough question – ‘Miranda, how about a blog on ‘Why men pay for sex’?’
As a sex worker, it was one of those questions you just didn’t ask. It’s in the unwritten contract between us and our clients. We don’t hand out questionnaires at the door asking for all their personal details.
In fact, as time went on, I just wasn’t interested. They had their head between my legs and the money in their hands, and that was enough for me.
However, plenty of people have asked me since about the men in question.
How old were they? How many were married? What did they do for a living?
All questions impossible to answer, because they were impossible to ask. Again – that unwritten contract you sign when you visit/become a sex worker.
I posed the question on Twitter, thinking I would be lucky to get three, possibly four responses from men who would be willing to tell all about being a client.
Fifty emails later and I’m still sifting through the answers. Maybe they’ve been waiting for someone to ask all along.
For context, I asked why, what they enjoy, who they’ve told and how often they indulge.
Here’s what they told me:
Colin from Basildon, mid-50s, who has won my approval, and my heart.
I exclusively see independent escorts – many [of] whom I have met through social media, their own private website, or through recommendations of other providers.
While physical intimacy continues to be a major factor in my ongoing bookings, sex is no longer the primary driver.
What I’ve found is that sex workers enable a ‘zone’, a safe haven, in this stress filled world that I live in, where I can expose myself, both physically and emotionally, free of criticism, judgment or ridicule.
Our time together normally contains physical intimacy – kissing, caressing of the body, oral pleasure for both parties, and penetrative sex but it’s not always about the physical.
Every so often it might be exclusively social – a nice dinner, a west end show, or even just some time outdoors enjoying nature.
While I started off thinking it was only going to be about sex, instead I’ve found that it’s really about sharing an intimate experience, without any commitments or long-term expectations, which (ideally) make both the sex worker and the client happy.
Over the years, I’ve met some remarkable women who have taught me more about life, love and happiness than I ever thought possible.
The only parties that know are the providers and the sexual health clinic (I believe that it’s a clients responsibility to get regular health screenings – it’s not just the responsibility of the provider – we’re all in this together)
Donald from Lanarkshire, 56, divorced.
I don’t go out in the evenings much. I am a single father so I am unlikely to meet anyone in bars etc.
I have had one woman who refused me an outcall because she knows too many people in the village I live and didn’t want to be seen. Fair enough.
I have been single for five plus years. Sometimes I just need the touch of another human.
To know that she will do what I request, within reason. She is not going to judge me.
I take a lot of medication and with that comes a drop in libido and even a loss of size in important areas. No man wants to lose 2″ and half their girth. Try explaining that to a new girlfriend.
I see women near my age when I want to talk and cuddle. At these calls, I often leave without getting off. Sometimes we don’t even try.
I see younger women when I want to remember what it was like to look at and feel a firm pair of breasts and to put my fingers in a tight hole.
I love giving oral, and if I use up my time doing that no one is going to complain.
Gareth from Manchester, 49, bisexual male.
I began seeing sex workers in my teens when I was struggling with my sexuality, and like all teenage boys, I never thought I would get a girlfriend. This was pre-internet 1980s so it was still walk up to girls in bars rather than swipe right.
I would use gay saunas if I wanted to have sex with a guy, or a massage parlour if I thought I was straight.
Now the internet has kicked in, my use of massage parlours has declined. I now either use an escort agency or listing sites. My preference is for bisexual couples.
I use sex workers because I have no talent for relationships; I’m great at romance, but I’m crap at washing up or doing those relationship type things like shopping.
The reason I like to book bisexual couples is because I’m into everything. The only things I have a hard no on is school uniforms and someone using me as a toilet (tried it, didn’t feel great mentally afterwards).
Some of my social circle know I pay for sex, but I’m not sure they believe it when I tell them I’m thinking of visiting an escort. Being a bisexual male is a bigger deal for me – I don’t tell people that.
Paddy, mid-50s, married, New York, NY
I visit ladies in person, and now and then the public feeds of some webcams. Always female, although a visit to a nice cuddly man is on my bucket-list.
Why? The same old story, I’m sure.
Wife that I am very fond of, but who has no interest in sex, or for that matter, cuddling. Feelings of loneliness and isolation from humanity.
GFE (Girlfriend Experience) is probably the best description; very vanilla GFE.
The sex is lovely, of course, but if I just wanted orgasms, I can get those free.
I love the eye contact, the kisses, laughs, hugs, the feel of skin on skin, when the heart skips a beat at first meeting, first touch, first little gasp. The feeling of just being with someone without judgment or criticism, and with joy.
I try to budget myself; roughly once a month, depending on schedule and funds.
It’s clear each one has a story to tell, and I’ve loved hearing all the responses. What’s coming forward is how safe clients feel in this ‘bubble’ a sex worker creates, but also how while it’s a lovely place to visit, you wouldn’t want to live there.
I wonder if, as a straight woman, I would feel the same when seeking a male sex worker?
Don’t worry, I’ll probably write another blog about that very soon.
(If you’re a man or a woman who has visited a sex worker, do feel free to tell me why at email@example.com)